Parent power: Discussion starts now
Cherry Hill Sun
7/29/2007

Over the last few weeks, The Sun has taken a look at parenting. A wild party in Haddonfield and actions by high school seniors in Moorestown prompted parents and community members to question how to curb out-of-control behavior.

In recent articles, we have focused on monitoring children’s activities on Web sites such as MySpace and Facebook, and also analyzed potential effects of a recent Surgeon General’s report on the risks of youth alcohol abuse.

As part of our coverage, we asked for community suggestions: Your best parenting tips, questions that you would like to have answered and story suggestions. And we were overwhelmed by the response.

The information presented below is a snippet of the suggestions we’ve received – and we’ve kept the submissions anonymous, so your kids won’t uncover your best spy secret.

We will run a continuing list of the suggestions we’ve received in our next few issues. If you would like to send more tips, comments and questions, please do so by e-mail to news@cherryhillsun.com or by fax to (856) 427-0934.

General parenting tips
- Talk to your kids. Impart wisdom and moral truth. And live it.
- Listen to your kids – but don’t necessarily believe everything they tell you. Be wise. Trust but verify.
- Don’t assume that “busyness” (sports, activities) will keep your kids out of trouble. It is everywhere, if they want it.
- Don’t be afraid to pull your child out of a sport, or activity, if you suspect that is the place where they are getting into trouble or being influenced.
- Don’t push your child to be “social” – many choose to “opt out” because they find the pressure and poor influences too many and too great.
- Care about other parents and their kids. Have the courage to tell someone when you know or have heard that their child may be venturing into risky behavior, illegal, or even immoral behavior. Be willing to risk them being angry toward you – it is more important that a parent have information. When they think it over, most often they are grateful and no longer angry.
- Share information for the right reasons. Don’t gossip. Check the facts first or be willing to offer information with the understanding that you can’t be sure it is true.
- Don’t get angry when someone tells you something about your child. Listen. Watch. Verify. And act when necessary to intervene if you find it to be true.
- Don’t feel guilty if you don’t volunteer for everything. Do one thing and do it well. Put family first. Sometimes, it is better to give our money and keep our time for our family. There are many hands that would like an opportunity to help out, so don’t hog all the opportunities to yourself, spread the wealth.
- Fathers – do you job. Love your wives. Discipline your children. Provide for your families, even in the case of divorce.
- Communicate with school and town officials. If you think they will retaliate and consider this: If everyone speaks up about wanting safer schools and towns, they won’t be able to retaliate against everyone.

Ex-spouses
- Do not be afraid to enlist the help of an ex-spouse for fear of looking incompetent.
- Do not rule out an ex-spouse or new step-family member as the cause for trouble. Kids today have power over parents who are divorced because of mistrust, division and the threat to leave a custodial parent to go live with the more “lenient” parent.
- Surround your kids with loving family support, if they are willing and “healthy” and not in denial or addicted themselves.

Monitoring kids
- Frequently monitor your child’s grades online. You can also check their lateness and attendances online. Lateness, absenteeism and declining grades or school work not turned in are usually some of the first places a parent can notice if something is going on with their child.
- Talk to teachers – even when you have high schoolers. Do not believe the dangerous cliché that kids do not want their parents to be involved. Stay involved. Be a voice. Be a presence. Know what is going on in town and in the schools.
- Know what friends’ parents have porn, alcohol, access to computers without monitoring, access to any television show or movie, drugs and guns in their homes.
- Make that call – or personal appearance – to assure that a parent is home where your child is visiting.
- Do not leave kids at the local pool for the entire day without checking in, personally, to see what is going on and who they are with.
- Take your kid to school. Pick your kid up from school.
- Do not allow a child who has been reason for concern to get their license. Do not allow your children in cars with other kids.
- Do not assume any place or any person is “safe.” You can only be sure about yourself.

Food for thought

As parents and as a society, we must be willing to raise awareness and our voices.

We cannot risk keeping things in the dark to fester and explode in our faces. We must be willing to share our failing as well as our successes.

We also should actively and routinely ask lawmakers for help and boycott stores, products or TV shows that refuse to clean up their acts.

If we expect someone else to do what we should do for ourselves, and do not act, we are failing.

For the deeper, more important underlying problems with our children, parents must start by taking an honest and hard look at themselves.

We must ask ourselves what we are sowing. This is the glass ceiling that must be broken.

It seems to be taboo or too fearful to talk about what parents are doing that contributes to or sets the stage for the problems our children are burdened with.

But all we really have to fear is fear itself. The truth can set one free.

As parents, we must walk our talk. Our words need to match our actions.

Children do know what we do even when we try to hide it – and they get the “real” message from our behavior.

God only knows what the fall-out from our collective denial and ignorance will continue to reap.