Transition hard for parents, too
By AUBRIE GEORGE
The Cherry Hill Sun
8/28/2009

There comes a time when every parent has to part ways with their children. Whether watching your youngest child go away to college or seeing your first born move out on their own – these transition years from dependent childhood to independent adulthood are often characterized as somewhat difficult for parents to endure.

This is so much of a dilemma for some that psychologists have coined the term “empty nest syndrome” for the growing population that experience these difficult emotions after their children leave.

PsychologyToday.com’s diagnosis dictionary says that empty nest syndrome is characterized by feelings of depression, sadness or grief that parents or caregivers experience after children they have raised leave the home by going to college, moving away or getting married.

Experts say empty nest syndrome is more common in women than it is in men, because women are often going through other life changes around the same time, such as menopause or caring for elderly parents. However, it is not uncommon for men to feel loss or sadness when their children leave the home as well.

As overwhelming as these emotions may seem, experts say there is hope for parents that are dealing with them and, in successful cases, parents could end up reveling in a newfound freedom and sense of self.

Jeanine Herrin is the creator of EmptyNestMoms.com, an online forum that, for almost 10 years, has served as an online resource for mothers dealing with symptoms of empty nest syndrome. Herrin said that she has seen several cases where moms say knowing they’re not the only ones dealing with the emotions brought on by this transition is helpful.

“Just knowing there are other moms out there going through the same feelings as you are helps a great deal,” Herrin said. “Being able to talk with others on the forum, read all the stories from other moms and seeing how many are actually starting to enjoy their empty nest, communicating with others and getting the support, suggestions and encouragement back can be very comforting.”

Denise Witmer, About.com’s guide to parenting teens suggests that parents get out and “do something” when dealing with these emotions.

“Volunteer, take a class, find a new hobby or pick up an old one. Anything that will take up the time you devoted to your teenager on a daily basis,” Witmer said. Witmer also suggests making use of the space that children leave behind in the home, so that it feels less empty.

“Order something new for the room that will come in a couple of days after they leave. If you wait until they are gone you may find yourself putting it off,” she said. Despite the negative emotions that characterize this transition period, Witmer said parents should take this time to step back and congratulate themselves. “Although the job of being a parent is never done, you have reached a goal. You have raised an independent young adult, which is no easy task,” she said.

However, Witmer said it’s still OK to do things for your child, in fact, it may make you feel better to keep doing little things – without overdoing it, of course. “There is nothing better than getting groceries from mom, or a set of towels for their new apartment. Try not to overdo in the beginning,” Witmer said.

Perhaps the most beneficial way to overcome empty nest symptoms, experts suggest, is seeking support through a licensed therapist, a family doctor, minister, other parents, or by joining online forums to share your emotions and get support from others.

There are a number of online resources for empty nesters, including Emptynestmoms.com or Emptynexters.com, which offers similar advice and support on marriage after your kids have flown the coop. “Not all moms go through this Empty Nest phase and don’t understand what others are going through, so finding support groups with other moms feeling the same way as you would be the best answer I could give,” Herrin said.

Herrin is in the process of localizing this idea by forming chapter sites that will help connect parents in the same areas so that they can meet other parents dealing with similar symptoms. “These will be for the ones who want something in their own local area, to help meet other like moms, maybe make plans for lunch or other get-togethers and form new friendships,” she said. Ultimately, experts note, overcoming these emotions is going to take time. “For some it really is almost like a grieving process,” Herrin said. “Just take it a day at a time, start finding things for ‘you’ to do. It’s OK to be a little sad for a while but don’t let it take over your life.” If parents follow these tips, experts say there is light at the end of the tunnel and in some cases – parents could end up enjoying their empty nests.

“We have had many members come and go on the forum over the years, when some first came they were a mess, but over time, you could see the changes. Once they realize the kids will always be their kids and still need them in other ways, they seem to settle down a bit and start to move on,” Herrin said. “Your life really isn’t over and you can find life after the kids leave home. Grant you, it isn’t the same as when they were home and still just little children, but life moves on and we were all there once ourselves, remember.” While there are a number of opportunities to work through emotions and symptoms of empty nest syndrome on your own, experts said that if you are experiencing severe feelings such as thoughts that your usual life has ended, excessive crying or feeling so sad that you don’t want to see friends or do work, you should seek professional help from a family doctor or a licensed therapist to deal with these emotions.

A list of local therapists licensed to treat patients with empty nest syndrome can be found by searching by zip code at Psychology Today’s Web site, www.psychologytoday.com.